MMHMMHvHW v jr -Hi8 it IIIII llrr III II frPfewnwymTHE BYSTANDERha-will do so at their own riskK V tThere is nothing in the report that the Hawaiian Bureau at Atlantic Cityhas cabled for Representative Affonso to bo sent on at onco to add to tho attractions on display This report arises from tho vnrious items in circulationregarding Affonsos hit on the Coast where tho management of the Cliff Houseoffered him a magnificent salary to stay nnd join tho seals not ono of whichhad fur any place like tho honornblo member from Hilo has on his head Asn matter of fact they are still talking about Affonso in San Francisco Hewas they write me the liveliest thing that ever happened thero since theearthquakeHis first day in town the Hilo editor caught sight of a nickel-in-the-slotsandwich box with this sign over itIUT A NICKEL IN THE SLOTAffonso examined it carefully then twisted his head around to sec wheretho sun was It being a foggy morning and tho crowd jostling him ho failedto sight the luminary but he grasped the arm of a passerby and inquiredSay which is niauknjYoure bugs answered tho ono stopped shaking off the detaining handBut Affonso didnt get into the legislature by taking any rebuffs Ho madeanother grab and nskedWell say tell nic which is southWhat do tnko me for a compassf said the San Franciscan Whataro you trying to get through youfNo offenv partner answered Affonso but a man told mo I belongedsouth of the slot and I want to get my bearingK K V V KTimes arc changing in good old Honolulu nnd tho changes aro for the betterOld things and old customs are being crowded to tho wall but in their placesappear things and customs of thesu latter days Tho old salt nnd tho sailingship have practically disappeared but in their plnco aro steamships crowdingtho harbors coming in on schedule heralded by wireless discharging cargoeswith a snap and off again Tho family phaeton nnd tho hack maintain nstruggling foothold or are gone entirely busy nutos chugging over the macadamand picking tho spots left smooth by Johnny Wilson running past or overpedestrians sliding along sedately during daylight hours and letting her ripwhen tho sun goes down The principal downtown attraction five years ago thoSalvation Army open air meetings nre still with us but tho theaters draw thogreater crowds and tho comet player is drowned out bytho inegnphonic phonographs playing iu choius on independent airs Operaticand theatrical troupes passing to nud from ho Colonies onco played one nightcr perhaps ouc aftcrnoon stands Now stock companies vumlevillists circustroupes and other regular members of tho perfesh como to Honolulu play ongo to the volcano sec Hilo nnd sometimes marry nad sometimes just stayOf a surety wo are entitled to become blaseAll of which above is tho result of a little conversation I had with CaptainCampbell of tho Ships Chandlery Tho captain tells mo that his business haschanged altogether Once he traded marlinespikes for blubber swapped ropesfor whalebone took in duhloons pieces of eight sovereigns louis dors Chileandollars and United States money all in the one day while his counter waswhittled up once a year by the skippers of a hundred ships Now he sells stuffto tho Army and the Navy ordered on oflicinl forms paid for by voucherstailed for by boys in uniform who couldnt tell tho difference between asouwester nnd a harpoon and who if told to box the compass would ask fora hammer and some nailsThe old days have gone hut Captain Campbell perks up with tho knowledge that while his old patrons sail no more Into Arctic sens or square awayfor the run around the Horn his cash register rings oftener than his old moneydrawer ubed to open and that thoro is quite as much profit iu cement for anrmy reervoir a there ul to be in nercueaion cupi for the whale gunsk K K K tWhen Alford Finlay Thayer was shaking IisihU with everyone in Honolulunono sugpveted that be was ft freuaied financier Perhaps he failed to knowit btmseJf At any rate be borrowed money to ship hit automobile to Manilaarid now ho U building tmbvite buying plantation taking running jmnjw toHongkong to Interview Waller Dillingham who never wan there ordering sugarrant pnti by the million building wills doing a board of luimigratloH ituutor himealf and generally belay a tort of 1lerpuut Morgan anil AlexanderHume Kurd aomblned All hU within a few mouths No wonder the 1ilipluoswont work Living Iu the kind of a country Alford Finlay ppcr to havedJoved they dont have to -HAWAIIAN GAZETTE TUESDAY AUGUST 9 1910-SEMI-WEEKLYUps and DownsUndo Sam No Bill CollectorWhen Affonso Hit tho CoastTimes Arc Changing For tho BottcrWhero tho Glad Hand FaysAs tho world coes round and round some go up and somo go downfinancially An instnncc to prove this old adage was illustrated only duringtho past week when the Logan passed through There was among tho passengers a paymaster now a major in tho Army who having completed his tourof foreign service was returning to the homeland Traveling as his clerk is aman who formorly employed this army major as his clerk In tho call forpaymasters in 1S98 this man was given a commission in tho Army and withfinancial reverses tho onco substantially placed business man was forced toseek for employment The old employer now became an cmployo in tho scrvlcoas paymasters elerk to his former clerk Thus Some go up and somo godown in the busy scales of this old worldA moral can hereby bo drawn from tho career of theso two men who soscrcd each other that a chango of position has made no difference in tho truefriendship and comrndeship of eachn kTho jawbono or credit system as accorded by persons firms or corporations to the rankB of Uncle Sams men has received a ery decided deathWowIn a recent circular issued by the war department the practiso of dealersselling articles of merchandise to enlisted men of tho Army on credit is discouraged Hereafter tho department will not tnko notico of any correspondencerelative to tho nonpayment of soldiers storo bills Credit the entrance intotho dark valley of debt from which it is so hnrd to extrndite oneself is oftenentered upon by an inviting articlo of merchandise to be paid for at somo indefinite time If on the other hand cash alone could sccuro tho articletho would bo purchaser would savo himself numerous twinges of a disturbedconscience and tho war department much correspondence nnd trouble in assisting the persons firms or corporations in collecting billsThese credit bills constantly aggravating tho susceptiblo buyer so tho wardepartment asserts has led good men to desert from the Army when tho hopeless feeling of debt debt debt seems only his monthly portionAccordingly after tho serving of this notice as per circular number fortyseven any and all persons firms or corporations indulging in the seductivepractise of soliciting credit from tho ranks of the Army of tho United StntetvTHE ADVENTURES OFJOSHER BLUFFEMDEMOSTHENES UP TO DATEOratory t dead wails tho chronic pessimist dolefully it is a lost art thatfinds hut a fccblo echo of former greatness in thclnchrymosc droolings of TearfulWlllio Coclho of Maui nnd the pcrfcrvld verbal gymnastics of Bernard Kclckollo tho Boy Orator of Hilo The days of Demosthenes Cicero DanielWebster nnd nil tho other grcnt ones of the fonim liavo passed into tho GreatForgotten Oratory is dead dead aB the ghost of Julius Caesar Auwel AuwelBut not so Tib but a baso slander upon Our Own Times n Cassandracroak from the throat of Him Who Will Not Bo Comforted I Tosher Bluffcmf Mm ffltho Great Investigatorhave looked into the matter during n few of myspnre moments nnd Iknow I always knowyou know In tho wordsof the toastmastcr wqhavo with us today gentlemen we er havo withus today ah ns I wasabout to state we ahhave with us todayBut pardon mo I amgoing too fnst Let mework up to it graduallyand then at tho psychological moment spring hisname upon you as apleasant surprise nnd nsproof positive that thepessimistic assertions oftho detractors of presentday oratory aro falseI set out with thoavowed intention of discovering a real oratortracking him to his lairand bearding him in hisden It was a foolhardy enterprise requiring courage resource anddesperation but thosequalities are my stock intrade tho foundation ofmy remarkable successand I did not hesitateOf my hair breadthescapes blood curdlingadventures nnd tho hair-raising moments when Iby hordes of would bo Vorators clamoring to boperpetuated in my memoirs I will not tell you for fear my veracity might bo doubted Suffico itto say that I did escape by tho expedient adopted by Ulysses I stopped myears with wax to tho swan songs of tho word spillcrs nnd not a syren of themall could fazo me And at last I found him the Incomparable Orator themodern Demosthenes and when I saw him I knew that ho was discoveredI entered his room unobserved and unheard for ho was occupied in factho was considerably preoccupied Clothed in dignity a few clothes and anair of noblo gloom he was standing before a long mirror making faces athimself executing what I took to be threatening gestures and uttering contorted remarks that reminded me of a dog choking to death on a fishboneWhy dont you spit it out if you dont liko it I said solicitouslyHo turned nround quickly and said Ugguly grrmp whggfd bngxxphNo thank you Im a prohibitionist 1 replied But Ill take a cigarif you dont mind and I helped myself to a fat one from the box on thotableHis face became purplo in his efforts to say something but the wordswouldnt come Suddenly he gasped like a dying fish and about a quart ofJim Qiiinns best road foundation fell out of his mouthWhat the I began in amazement but lie interrupted me with dignityPebblesPebblesPebblesPebblesPebblesSing it I suggested -and Ill come in on the chorus I think I knowit nowDont bo facetious ho said severely Im seriousWill you be kind enough then to elucidate It is evident enough to myexperienced eye that those aro indeed pebbles or anyway fragments of rock butwhy Aro you a chicken or a rock crusherNeither I assuro you I am an oratorAh ha I suspected as much I said Your noble brow betrays youBut why tho pebblesI am surprised at your ignorance he replied with apparent astonishmentDont you know that Demosthenes learned to be an orator by talking withhis mouth full of rocks All tho ancient histories tell us that But somehowit doesnt seem to work woll in my case I am nfraid I havo tho wrong kindof pebblesI think you have I agreed You talked n while ago as if you hada hot potato in your mouth Maybo Demosthenes used a fow chunks oft aGrecian Blarney stoneI hadnt thought of that ho said Perhaps youro rightIm always right I said Im Josher BluffemLost ho groaned nud sank helpless at my feetNo found I replied You are discoveredIf I am found I am lost ho insisted and I let it go at that not caringto aigue tho pointExcuse me n minute said tho orator I was just practicing an effusionthat I expect to deliver before tho Socialists club at their hall next Fridaynight and if you dont mind Ill go over it onco more to bo suro that mymanner of delivery is up to my usual standardNatural politeness prevented my expressing my real feelings and I submitted with a groan mStanding again in front of tho mirror nnd striking a poso midway betweenMayor Fern trying to squelch Supervisor Aylett nnd Governor Frear remarkingthat he really has nothing to say tho orator stroked his classic nose thoughtfully swelled out his chest like a pouter pigeon coughed Jwico in a tragictone aud beganahem gentlemen ladies and fellovv citUens Intho er eourso of humnn events ah when gentlemen ladies mil er others itbecomes necessary as ono might say in tho courso of human events ah for usto demand that King Street be repaired when I say we gentlemen nnd Ijdioinre obliged to arise iu our might nd M0 Patrick Henry shako our fists inthe faces of or the nupervisors ami say give us liberty or give us death1 thenladies gentlemen and supervisors or ns I was nbnut to tnyas I was aboutto say as 1 what the deuce was 1 about to say anyway he deinondmlturning to me IndignantlyHow do I know I replied Put thoe roeks bask in your iriojtli undnobody will know what youro layingYoung mau title is a wriuue matter and 1 will not be trifled with laidthe Great Orator severelyAll right go as far ai you like I repliedHe rerouted bit traglo puce stroked hie note again and looked like ClandliUetlrtde delivering the Onvernore meeeage to tbe WgUUtureUuudiee aud er well gentlemen a that great mau Daniel Webstersold when he mwde hi famous wtei on tbe battle gronud of Vlekiburg tblela a government of tbn sugar barons for the lliiuor men and by tbe HolytuuouautaumumSeven ntd we will not allow this government to be wiped off the fafle of thoearth Wc who htte to earn our pot and fish by tho sweat of our noble browswo cr 1 ny we will not prmit ourselves to be er deprived of our immemorial right to lick our wives according to the dUtatea ah of our fanciesWhy should the gentleman wjionbem ehaitlsw somebody elses wifehe fined 30 for doing it Why I say when it cost only a hundred bucks tosonk a policeman with a beer bottle Why Why Why Does not that greatphilosopher Bill Shakespeare say that he who spares the rod spoils the wifotAnd does not Plato tell us of women that like the dog and the rag carpet thoharder you beat om the better they arcTho Great Orator paused a moment to shake a wobbly finger at his imaginary audience and resumedOnco more like Edmund Burke in his great speech when ho advocatedtho adoptioa of the Constitution of the Unjted States I rise to remark Whocrushed down our noblo brows nnd made us brothers to Why shouldwo work for a living whon we can hold down a government job WhyForget it 1 said irreverently your trolleys off and your fuso hasblown outThe Great Orator collapsed suddenly at a chair but missed it and sprawlodon the lloorDarn youlinesho remarked feebly youve gono and made mo forgot myYou dont need any lines 1 Baid All you need is a pound of rocksand a mouthful of words and you can make a speech that sounds liko a Honolulu legislator advocating party harmony Is there anything clso you can doexcept wnste tho English languageDid you over hear mo play tho piano he inquired hopofullyNo I replied I am naturally of a mild and peaceful disposition andkeep out of brawls as much as I canHe arose quickly stepped over to the piano that stood in a cornor of thoroom seated himself and got a firm toehold on tho loud pedal nnd then thotornado struck moWagner Say Wagner was an amateur alongsido of him A combinationof two tomcats over a clothesline a horsefiddle and a Borgors band might givoa feeble but only a feeble imitation of the unholy din that aroso from thattortured piano The universe shrieked for mercy tho heavens writhed inagony nnd I swooned When I camo to he was vigorously encoring birnsolf andpreparing to do it all over againDont I bogged of him dont Id rather hear you make a speechNow Ill sing ho said -This being a moral family paper published on Sunday morning nnd carriedthrough tho mails Ill not describe his performance Id rather describo hisexecution if Warden Henry ever gets a chance at himWho are you anyway I inquired feebly when tho operation was overand I was beginning to como out from under tho influenceMo You dont know who I am he said in great astonishmentNope I dont know I replied If I did I wouldnt bo here Who arcyouHe rose and carefully struck an attitude glancing in tho mirror to see if itsuited himI he said impressively I am tho Honolulu Demosthenes please dontconfuse me with the culinary genius of Hilo tho well and favorably knownlawyer Jim Coko docs tho work you know a former member of tho legislatureof tho Territory of Hawaii the handsomest man in Honolulu I am EddieDouthittlIm going to inform on you I said and grabbing my hat I rushedwildly out of tho door and escaped-Small TalksjEDDIE DOUTHITT No I cant afford to run for city attorney Can youblame meGOVEBNOB FEEAR I am going into retirement for a while to work onmy annual reportFBINGE KUHIO Col Samuel Parker is just our boy Sam tho boy ofyesterday and tho boy of tomorrow for all Hawaii Wo all love himB VON SAMM Fifteen years ago on Saturday nights you could -walk upnnd down Fort Btreet and meet no one Now all Honolulu seems to bo on thoRialtoE W BRECKONS I would recommend that everybody go to tho CentralUnion cburcTi today Doctor White tbe man who is to preach has just comoback from the volcanoMAESTON CAMPBELIi Tho people are getting to like the meter systemso well that we can t buy meters fast enough to supply tho demand It makesa lot of difference in tho amount of water used tooBERT IiIGHTFOOT I dont beliove that these restaurants ought to bogiven Sunday licenses until they serve decent potatoes Look at that oneIts th6 same ono I had yesterday Theres my mark on itE B BLANOHARD This government chemical job is a new one to moand Ive been reading law for a week but I like the work and see a lot ofamusement nhead Theres going to be a surprise around town somedayJOHN MCEOSSON Our beet sugar experiment on Lanai has shown a veryhigh porcentngo of sugar in the beets we have already grown Lanai will botho most highly developed Island in all the group when we havo all our projectsin full swingPURSER ALLEN OF THE KOEEA Our travel business from tho Orienteastward just now is on the wane but it will pick up both ways next monthThe traveling business men will then be going to the Orient and just nowanyhow its fearfully hot in HongkongH M AYEES A beautiful instance of putting things mildly came to mynotico tho other day A street car had demolished a carelessly placed wheelTho owner n Japanese gazing ruefully at the wreck exclaimed to tho conductor too bad all spoiltA W SEABUEY Wouldn t the empty lot on the corner of King andSouth streets muke a swell market One wouldnt havo to go through dirtyChinatown to procure his eatables but to a neat beautiful placo centrallylocated It would add to beautify pretty Honolulu nnd I do hopo that somopromoter will look tho matter upDEPUTY SHEEDTF EOSE Tho Bulletin misinterpreted my statementswhen it branded as a fake tho story of a man beating and almost killing hiswife The Advertisers story wns right inasmuch as a report to that effectwas turned in by Captain Baker The truth concerning tho matter was onlydiscovered after further investigationThe Citizen s Civic DutyExchangenjrnvor Gaynors advice to college graduates lu one particular at leastis advice that overy man everywhere who is striving to bo a good citizenmight take home to himself The pith of this advice is that in municipalelections wo should uevcf Mipport or opposo a candidate because of bis attitudo toward national political issues Stand for high tariff or free tradoas yuu please said Mr Gaynor but dont let that fact influenco you whonyou are voting for mayor This admonition may not havo tho novelty oforiginality but it has the merit of being sound Tbe questions involved inthe election of a mayor or any other municipal ofllcer nre altogether distinctfrom thoe involved in national elections A mnn may bo a good Bepublicanor a good Democrat who doos not tako the trouble to inquire Into tho politicsof thofc who arc seeking positions of trust and retponjlbllity in the government if hi city or townWe thai have better municipal government whon the people look upontlio who would serve them with an eye to their character and capabilitiesrather than to their political opiuions The oltlwn does not surrender an iotapf bi larger political privilege by performing bU emnllor political duty nndIt Is mote than doubtful whether the man who is negligent of bli communityeau be sincerely and unielfiehly regardful of the welfare of Ids country Civioloyalty civic pride devotion to elvlo duty ara qualities that need to be developed now more than ever among tbe people of the United 8tat If theinterest of the home tbe neighborhood and the community be eons rved anddvUid ai they should be flwt of all the sodon lll take ar of iteelfmjtmmamjmmFUMM
HACK First Love (Crazy Little Thing Called Love) English Sub [Thai Mo
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